SEARCH FOR THE BIRTHPARENTS – THE WHAT, WHEN AND WHY

OVERVIEW:

Searching for long lost relatives is exciting and scary. When the relatives seeking one another are birthparents and their birth children, the search goes far beyond the normal anxiety. Searching for birthparents is a search for the innermost parts of the self.

If the adopted person is an adult before the search begins different laws and guidelines apply. Even if the search waits until the child grows to adulthood, the adoptive parents may be involved – physically and emotionally. If the child attempts a search even earlier, the adoptive parents will likely be an integral part of the process. They may, in fact be the ones to initiate a search.

Whatever the case, advance preparation is essential and emotional support throughout the process must be strong. People who have completed searches and reunions describe the process as an emotional roller coaster. Whether the search leads to opening a formerly closed adoption, or to answers to some key questions, the feelings can be intense.

This article explores the myriad reasons adopted persons choose to search, outlines beginning procedures and offers some guidelines and helpful hints. Resources are included.

THE SEARCH FOR THE BIRTHPARENTS – OVERVIEW AND REASONS WHY PEOPLE SEARCH

With open adoption becoming more common, the search question becomes less of an issue. Children and adults who have regular contact with their birthparents simply contact birthparents to address whatever concerns they have.

For those who do not have this arrangement, considerable thought goes into the decision of whether to search, and extensive detective work is required to reconnect with the birth parents. Throughout the process, it can feel like an emotional roller coaster. Fear of rejection, uneasiness with new information, confusion as the sense of self-wavers; all of these real possibilities are overshadowed only by the fear of the unknown. A search for the birthparents is in many ways a search for the innermost parts of the self.

The need to know more medical information is the number one reason adoptees search for their birth parents. Other reasons include a search for fantasy, filling a void and a general curiosity about ancestry. "It’s my life, and I deserve to know the details," declared an adolescent on his search application. Some adopted children long to know their birthparents, while others don’t seem to think much about it until adolescence, if even then. Many people wait until adulthood to initiate a search.

Key times in a person’s life when knowing birth history seems important during adolescence, beginning child-bearing, times of loss, episodes of illness, and at times the adopted person may be surrounded by others with curiosity.

For birth parents, key times include the child’s birthday, especially those ages they themselves remember as significant; their own marriages, and at times of births of subsequent children.

BEGINNING A SEARCH

A new Wisconsin law, enacted in 1998 allows adoptees and birthparents easier access to one another. The provisions of this law allow agencies to release identifying information to birth parents and adoptees under age 21. The birth parent must file an affidavit and the adoptee (or his adoptive family if the adoptee is still a minor) must file an affidavit with the agency saying they authorize identifying information about themselves to be released to the other party. If one, but not the other places the request on file, the agency may not contact the other party to let them know specifically of the other person’s request. The agency MAY, however, notify all parties one time to let them know of the change in the law that has occurred since they adopted. This law, in effect, can open closed adoptions before a child is of age. The provisions of this law do not apply to adoptees over age 21. Search laws are in effect for that age population.

Some adults who were adopted as children may have adoptive parents who died before the adoption was talked about. They may not know what agency facilitated their adoptions. In cases such as this, the first step is to contact the agency, asking for the adoption search department. If the name of the agency is not known, but the names and locations of birthparents are known, it may be possible to access information from city directories at libraries, or from the register of deeds office at city hall.

Throughout the U.S., each state has a Department of Health and Human Service, Dept. of Health and Family Services or other statewide resource that records adoptions as they occur. Each state has a clearinghouse for search. In Wisconsin, since 1981, birthparents can file a document at the time of the termination of parental rights that indicates their willingness to have the child contact them at age 21.

International adoption searches are sometimes more difficult. Inconsistencies in the laws prevent the development of clear guidelines or advice. Many families have found that once they are in the country of birth, information becomes readily available, yet trying to correspond long distance can lead to precious little information. Language differences necessitate an interpreter, and cultural differences can stifle the most gracious of requests.

Whether international or within the country, some important things to consider are the current age of the birth family, the number of years since the adoption, the attitudes toward openness that prevailed at the time of the adoption and the possible impact on birthparents.

An adoption search specialist reports calling a birthmother who delivered a baby girl in the 1950’s. Her daughter, adopted as an infant and age 38 at the time of the search, was interested in medical information. The birthmother was appalled that she would be contacted, had never told her husband and children about their older sibling, and was completely uncooperative. In the 1950’s, she was told that the records would be sealed and she could "bury the unfortunate incident."

International searches can be very upsetting to birthparents, whose culture may shun ‘unwed mothers’. A Korean social worker said that birthmothers of 5-10 years ago who are contacted by their birth children may need to divorce their husbands and never again see their other children, because of the ‘secret’ that was revealed about their past. Now, in 1998, many young pregnant Korean girls considering adoption plans choose American families so that they may have the openness. Times are changing, and with them, attitudes toward search and openness.

THE INTERNET

Today, the Internet offers information at your fingertips. Many people are finding long-lost relatives through the Internet. Birthparents and adoptees can find one another by entering their desire and name. For some, this is an effective and economical way to learn about one another. For others, there seems to be an overwhelming fear and anxiety that could have been dealt with in some preparatory counseling first. Being able to learn information and then proceed step-by-step, processing the bits of information along the way can be less threatening and lead to a firmer knowledge about the intense feelings a search can provoke. The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse is a very helpful organization to learn about search sights and other information on search.

Be aware that the Internet has no assurance of accuracy of information and not all sites may have your best interests at heart.

WHEN IS THE BEST TIME?

The best time to search varies greatly from person to person. How to decide when to search would ideally involve balancing the needs of the child, the parents and the birthparents. Unfortunately, before these people have all met one another, it is impossible to determine everyone’s needs.

If a critical medical issue arises, and genetic background information is needed, the ideal timing for emotional well being becomes a secondary issue. The need for information usually supersedes all other needs. During situations such as this, emotions are stirred up and often need to be put on hold until the medical emergency resolves. At that time, it is important to address the feelings, and to discuss whether continued contact would be beneficial.

EMOTIONS PARENTS AND CHILDREN MAY FEEL

Most adoptive parents initially have mixed feelings about their children having contact with birth parents. As the adoptive parents become more aware of the benefits of such contact, they are ready to assist. Initial hesitancy on the part of adoptive parent and child can give way to openness as education and preparation pad the path to greater awareness.

Adoptive parents may wonder how the reconnection between their child and the birthparents will impact their parenting role. They have few role models for being adoptive parents of a child who has birthparent contact. Children may wonder if the birthparent and adoptive parent will like one another, and whether he’ll be allowed to continue contact with the birthparent while still being the adoptive parent. Seeking role models, finding support in a group setting with other such families, and reading about openness in adoption are all things that will help everyone involved.

The adoptive parents may feel that their role as parents is being removed. This is clearly NOT the case after almost all searches. Families who achieve high levels of openness find that clear differentiation in parenting roles still exists. Some birthparents become mentors, confidantes, ‘older sibling’ type relatives and best friends. The more open the communication, the better for all. Clarifying this with the child can help. Some searches, however, may bring pain. Learning information that is damaging about a birthparent’s history can be hurtful. If a birthparent does another rejection of a child, the child may need lots of support to recover from another loss.

Adoptive parents find some comfort in reminding themselves that all healthy children have many significant adults in their lives. For most adolescents, there are extra ‘parent-type figures’ that the youth is strongly influenced by. These include coaches, teachers, scout leaders, neighbors, aunts and uncles. For the adopted child, the big difference is that they are establishing a relationship for the first time with someone with who they have a genetic link. The significance of this cannot be downplayed, however. The parent remains the parent, and the long-established relationship remains essential.

Through all of the search and reunion, it is important to remember that you are treading new ground, and there are new thoughts and feelings for everyone.

It is also important to remember that most searches do not lead to completely open relationships in adoption, but rather to an awareness of biological roots. Most birth parents do not desire to re-enter a child’s life. Adoptive parents can prepare themselves and their child for this by talking about it ahead of time, and by meeting with others who are in similar situations.

PREPARATION

Asking the child what he hopes to find when the birthparent is contacted will help him focus his thinking. Exploring ideas of what the birthparent may be thinking and feeling will help him to develop empathy.

Meeting other birthparents – but not their own birthparents – will help children feel the range of feelings and adjust to different scenarios. Meeting other significant people from their own pasts, such as an agency social worker or former foster parent will help children connect with the feelings of meeting someone who really cared for them and thinks about them from time to time.

Before beginning to search, it may be helpful to explore feelings and fears. Setting a level of expectations chart. Ask yourself, "What do I hope to get out of a search? What would the ultimate outcome be?" Be prepared ahead of time for the myriad possibilities.

REUNIONS

There are professionals who specialize in facilitating reunions between birth parents and their birth children. They are skilled in pinpointing emotions and helping them to flow freely. Expressing emotions together, whether the feelings are the same or different from one another, is essential to finding a common ground. The facilitator can help both parties to process the information and feelings afterward. Some meetings flow as if the people have known one another for years. Others are a source of hurt and anxiety, uncomfortable for both. Whatever the case, reunions are a human experience that brings up unique feelings. They can lead to ongoing contact or stand alone as a significant event in a life. Contact your adoption agency and ask for the search coordinator.

RESOURCES

The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse is a very helpful resource to learn more information about search. They have helpful articles and web site addresses for you to check out. They can be reached on the web at: www.calib.com/naic. Their phone number is 888-251-0075.

The following books, audio and video tapes are available for loan from the Adoption Resources of Wisconsin.

Books

Action Guide to Adoption Search #4801

Adoption Searchbook: The Techniques for Tracing People #4803

Missing Links #4800

Search Aftermath #4804

Searching for A Past #4807

So You’re Adopted #4802

Thoughts for Birthparents Newly Considering Search #4811

Unlocking the Adoption Files #4805

Where Are My Birthparents? #3510

To Kera With Love- Adoption, Abortion or Keeping the Baby #3504

The Other Mother #3534

I Wish for You a Beautiful Life #3548

Children of Open Adoption #3536

Dear Birthmother: Thank You for Our Baby #3538

The Open Adoption Book #3530

The Open Adoption Experience #3543

An Open Adoption #3507

Out of the Shadows: Birthfather’s Stories #3542

The Spirit of Open Adoption #3514

Audio Tapes

Independent Adoption #235

Magic of Successful Adoption #189

Now What? Handling Openness in Adoption #208

Ongoing Impact of the Search Experience #156

Search: International Adoption and the Adult Experience #306

Search/Reunion Aftermath: Similarities or Differences #311

Videotapes

Open Adoption- The Experts Speak Out #1013

Open Adoption- Children’s Home Society Production- on order

Bittersweet #1160

Consumer’s Guide to Open Adoption #1140

Letting Go #1033

Role of the Natural Parent #1119 

Internet Sites

Adoption Triad Outreach Reunion Registry, www.adoptiontriad.org

Adoptees and Birthparents in Search, www.ansrs.com/

Links for Adoptive Parents, www.okkids.org

Adoption Search and Reunion, www.plumsite.com/isrr/

Adoptee Search Center Registry, www.adopteesearchcenter.org