THE EXTENDED FAMILY AND ADOPTION

OVERVIEW:

Adoption of a child impacts the extended family. Becoming a grandma or grandpa, aunt or uncle through adoption can be an exciting family transition.

When the child has special needs, and the extended family is close, it is especially important to involve key relatives in the adoption preparation. Grandparents can be important resources for the new family member and certainly can enhance the child's’ self-esteem. The degree of involvement and the cohesiveness in the overall extended family structure determines to what degree the extended family is affected by and affects the adoptive family unit.

This article provides a framework for families to explore what aspects of the adoption will most impact the extended family and how extended family members can be included to promote family unity for the best interests of the child.

GROWING AN EXTENDED FAMILY THROUGH ADOPTION

When family members announce that they will be adopting a child, the news can stir up a variety of feelings. Some relatives are happy for the adoptive parents and feel excited that a new member will join the family, while others have feelings of loss, grief, pity or even anger, that the adopting parents have chosen this option instead of, or in addition to having a child biologically. The type of reaction often stems from the past experience with adoption or infertility.

If a couple has shared their struggles with infertility, and many extended family members already know about the infertility, the extended family members may feel disappointed, or relieved, or ecstatic about the adoption decision, as it represents to them a turning point or finality in the struggles the adopting couple has gone through.

"We had suspected for a long time that all of the testing was getting us nowhere", said one caring grandma, "I feel like the weight has been lifted from my shoulders, too, with the decision to adopt…people can only take so much." For her, the adoption decision was a positive one, and she felt the impact on her behalf as an expectant grandma.

For others, however, the news does not stir up positive feelings at first. This is especially true if the extended family has not known about the struggles leading up to the decision. One adoptive mother summed it up, "My father has very negative feelings about Asian people, and our decision to adopt from China was a shock to him. It took a few weeks for him to talk about it. It seemed that all of his anger about our infertility added to the impact, and he had very strong feelings against the adoption decision. He wouldn’t say he was angry about the adoption or disappointed about the infertility- he’d go on and on about his World War II memories, and how the Japanese were an enemy." Fortunately, this grandpa attended a session for the extended family, and when he met other grandparents talking about their Asian grandchildren, he was able to accept and then embrace the idea. When baby arrived, he proudly showed off the picture of his new granddaughter. Never quite able to talk about all of his feelings, he was able to be a loving, caring grandpa.

Another negative reaction can occur when family members announce that they are adopting a child with special needs. Extended family members wonder why anyone would willingly enter such a parenting relationship, almost as if they wonder why anyone would "accept damaged goods." Examining their uncertainties with them often reveals fear of the unknown. Affirming any influence they have had in your ability to make the decision to adopt a child with special needs often helps put things in perspective. For example, telling your parents how their acceptance of all people, and their commitment to helping those in need has created a similar desire in yourself to give back to the world and contribute in some way. This can help you find common ground as they realize how their subtle messages shaped your values. Be sure to affirm how the helping others is as beneficial to the one doing the help as it is to the one getting the assistance. You want to be sure that this message will not lead to extended family members pitying the new child or providing too much assistance that may weaken your structured parenting plans.

For other families, growing through adoption is a familiar and expected happening. This is especially true if the extended family has had positive experiences in and around adoption. "We’re a third generation adoptive family," exclaimed one grandma with pride as she showed the family photos. She had been raised by an aunt after her mother died, in an informal adoption arrangement. She and her husband then adopted three children after infertility was an issue for them. All three of her children had grown and married, producing nine grandchildren by birth. Her daughter had three sons, and then adopted a baby girl from Korea. Knowing the joy adoption can bring, this grandma became an advocate for a local adoption agency, recruiting families for waiting children in special needs adoption. Sometimes a heart for adoption is a contagious condition!

A common thread among the reactions of the extended family is that the mindset of adoption evolves in stages, and that preparations are important for the extended adoptive family as they prepare for the arrival of a new member.

This need is magnified for those who have little experience in adoption. Even for the "third generation" adoptive family mentioned above, preparation was helpful and rewarding as she learned about international adoption and transracial families for the first time.

PREPARATION FOR THE EXTENDED FAMILY

ACCEPTING THE DECISION

Extended family members may have preconceived ideas about adoption which are built on the experiences they have had. Inviting grandparents to an event where they will meet other adoptive families can help them reframe some of their ideas and begin to anticipate just how special their family’s adoption can be. Reading about adoption at this stage is a good idea, except for those grandparents who like to be expert resources for their children. In this case, written information can sometimes provide enough information to make them "poorly informed experts", or those who plant seeds of worry in others.

For most people, it is necessary to acknowledge the struggles the couple has gone through with the decision, whether infertility plays a role or not. For some families, open and intimate conversation is the norm, while other families have clearer boundaries and more secrecy pertaining to issues of building families. Whichever the case, and whatever the family dynamic, if the adoption is to be most successful, the extended family support is essential. Accepting the adoption decision can take some time, but acceptance is the first step toward support.

LEARNING ABOUT ADOPTION BASICS

A brief educational series for expectant adoptive extended family members would ideally cover the following foundational topics:

• Positive adoption terminology

• The process of adopting, what is involved in the family assessment, expenses, laws and regulations, etc.

• Resources and lifelong challenges and blessings in the adoptive family

Learning about positive adoption terminology will help extended family members discuss the process, and will lessen their fears that they may say "the wrong thing". Most importantly, the terminology is an introduction to addressing their questions about adoption. For example, they will know for sure that you will be the "real parents," that "birthparents" are important in the process, and their needs are considered; that "adoption plans" are made for children for loving and practical reasons, and that "giving up a child" does not mean they can ask for the child to be returned.

PREPARING FOR THE ARRIVAL

For some families, the rituals involved in welcoming a child into the family can be creative arenas for everyone to show love and caring. One grandparent was proud to have roses placed on the altar of her church honoring the birth of her new twin granddaughters who would soon arrive from Korea. The church tradition was to place a rose on the altar for births of new babies, and her roses were especially meaningful, as they had tiny Korean flags in the vase with them.

Some families plan baby showers and put their energies into meaningful symbolic detail. For example, one family replaced the traditional stork decorations with a "Korean Air Lines" theme, while another chose baby pictures depicting babies of the same race as the one being adopted.

For families adopting older children, events honoring the addition of the new member can be important rituals. Close friends honored one single adoptive mom with a party. They each wrote out their best parenting tip, and compiled these into a notebook. Then they each created a certificate granting the new mom hours of babysitting, a sick day dinner, assistance with cleaning, etc. as symbols of their support of their friend’s new role as a mom. They gave gifts for the mom, such as massage and restaurant gift certificates, books on parenting, emergency kits of Tylenol, gourmet coffees, etc. and then as a grand finale, they had the mom hold open an umbrella, and they threw coins into the umbrella as they sang "Pennies from Heaven" in off-key a cappella. The evening provided memories and an essential show of support for the mom as she entered a new phase of her life. Close friends and families can share in the excitement of the preparation, and in so doing, they define their own feelings about the adoption.

CLAIMING – THE ART OF INTEGRATING THE CHILD INTO THE FAMILY

When a baby is born, lots of family discussions revolve around what family traits the child has inherited. The child may be named after a family member, or given a name with special significance within the family. All of this is part of the all-important "claiming" process, claiming the child as part of the family.

In the case of adoption, the "claiming" is equally important, but takes on a different flavor. Family members may still identify things that are like their family, but these traits may be more psychological or emotional rather than physical. Seeking family resemblance in physical characteristics is not ruled out in the adoption picture.

Preparations for extended family members can involve a discussion of claiming, and some alternate suggestions for the traditional means. One family played a game ahead of time, where they wrote letters of the chosen name for the baby, and for each letter, wrote their hopes and dreams for the baby. Another wrote physical descriptions of how they thought the baby might look. Then they were able to compare their images with one another and become aware of their expectations, disappointments and sense of anticipation. They became aware of the claiming process and personally planned how to address the issue.

ROLE DIFFERENTIATION

How does the role of an aunt or uncle or grandma or grandpa of an adopted child differ from like roles with a birth child? The answer is "Not at all during some times in the child’s life, and BIG TIME at other stages of life!" The differences pertain more to what stage the child is going through than any changes in the adult.

Triggers for the child, such as being asked to make a family tree, can be triggers for the extended family members too. Any times when outside influences remind adoptive families of their differences can be triggers. The more the extended family members are aware of and accepting of their differences, the easier it is to "role with the flow", no matter how much it ebbs and tides.

With open adoption becoming more popular, extended family members may meet their counterparts in the birth family. This is a delicate and unexplored area, and it is important for all parties to remember they are forging new ground. There are few norms and rules, and family traditions involving multiple parties can be complex. There are few role model families to imitate.

It can be confusing to the beaming new grandma to find out she is one of many grandma’s to her new, long-awaited grandchild. Likewise, a birth grandma may long for contact, but feel lost about her role. This may lead to a meaningful and strong bond, just as any two grandparents may have. They develop a relationship over the love they share for the grandchild they have in common. Feelings need to be discussed, and expectations defined.

There is a balance between emphasizing and learning to appreciate the differences, or minimizing them and hoping they’ll go away. The first approach mentioned is clearly the healthier in the long run, but the intensity with which one meets the challenge can throw things out of balance for a while.

As with any new person or activity in one’s life, there is a period of tremendous focus followed by incorporation into the day-to-day pattern. With adoption issues in the extended family, emphasizing the differences and then not noticing them any longer is the tricky solution for many.

QUICK TIPS FOR AN EXPECTANT GRANDPARENT OR OTHER RELATIVE

• Keep an open mind as you learn about adoption
• Remember times have changed
• Take a "dream trip." Reflect on all experiences you have had with friends and family adopting. How are those families alike or different from your own? What is your image of the "ideal" grandchild, niece or nephew? How is that changing? What was your image of the "ideal" child and how has that changed with your children? How can the new child entering the family become uniquely "yours?" Write down your thoughts and re-read them from time to time.
• Plan a special ritual for welcoming the child
• If the new child is older or has special needs, you will be an especially important resource. Talk to the adopting parents about how you can best assist them.
• Read about adoption, especially any articles your children give you. Do not become the "expert", but rather use the information as it becomes helpful.
• Discuss with the adopting parents whether this is an open adoption and what degree of contact they expect that you will have with the birth relatives of the new child. While they cannot decide the boundaries of any relationship, it is expected that you will be agreeable and support their decisions for extended contact.
• Attend an adoption information meeting presented by an agency or adoption advocacy group.
• Reflect on how your relationship with the new child is the same as or different from the other relationships you have with your other children in the family. Sometimes, people show favoritism of a child because they want to be sure not to slight the child. Other times, they forget to include the adopted child in their list of relatives. Do you do this?
• Sit back and enjoy. All children are little miracles, blooming before our eyes. Reflect on what is the unique purpose for this child? In the greater scheme of things, why do you suppose this child ended up in your family?

RESOURCES

The following books, audio and video tapes are available for loan from the Adoption Resources of Wisconsin.

Books

Adoption Resource Book, #2164

Adoption: The Grafted Tree, #2206

Communicating Adoption, #2152

Creating Relationships in Adoption (6 booklets), #2178

Perspectives on a Grafted Tree, #2173

Making Sense of Adoption, #2192

Voices From The Heart: Personal Stories for Adoptive Families, #2184

Audio Tapes

Independent Adoption, #235

Magic of Successful Adoption, #189

Now what? Handling Openness in Adoption, #208

From Foster Parent to Adoptive Parent, #235

Videotapes

Open Adoption- Children’s Home Society Production, video tape on order

ABC’s of Adoption #1036

Child’s Perspective of Adoption #1016

Consumer’s Guide to Adoption #1140, 1141, 1142, 1143

Through the Eyes of a Child #1126

Websites